The weight of regret

                           By Christina Raibert

Nightbreeze was sleeping next to her. Jade smiled, studying his handsome profile. He had been so kind with her, since their very first meeting. So ready to stand by her side no matter what. Not even Foxtear’s tears had moved him, or if they had, he had still believed her version of the story. A misunderstanding, he had called it. Jade gently pulled a lock of hair away from his face. Oh, Nightbreeze, dear Nightbreeze, if only you’d know they were right! What would you think of me, then? Would you still claim my innocence? Or would you condemn me, as that silly Moonstorm does? Still, you deserve to know. You have always been sincere to me. You deserve better than my lies.

I’d want to wake you up. I’d have so many things to tell you. What makes me do the things I do... such as lock-sending to Foxtear while none of you could hear. But would you understand? Or would you criticize me? My heart couldn’t resist that. I have been left behind so many times, you can’t even guess. I don’t want it to happen again. Forgive me.

You know, ever since my parents abandoned me to my own... I have never told anyone my true feelings. Not even you. Most certainly you only think I’m a flirt, like Shareheart. One who just likes to roll in the furs. If only you’d know how much I care for you and all the others. If only I’d have the courage to let you know.

That’s what I regret most of... Nightling’s death. I never told him how much I loved him. High Ones know if he believed that I just found a relief, an ally in him. No, I loved him, from the deepest of my heart. I have loved all of them. But they didn’t understood!... and sometimes, I think they were right. It hurts too much to be left by those you love. I wouldn’t have wanted them to bear the weight of regret I’m now bearing, each day of my life, each time I speak with another elfin being. If anything for the nice moments we have shared together, they don’t deserve it.

Won’t I be making the same mistake, now? Shouldn’t I wake you up, and tell you everything? You deserve to know. You trusted me blind-folded, when the whole triube didn’t know what to do or what to say. You opened your heart to me. I feel so evil, Nightbreeze, so mean. I’d so like to be the sincere maiden you believe I am. To live up by what you think of me. There shouldn’t be secrets among us, there shouldn’t have been secrets ever. Dear Nightbreeze. You deserve better than me, now I know...

I won’t wake you up. I won’t say a thing. These words will die in my heart like they already did, many times before. Sleep well, my precious friend. I’ll guard over your sleep. Alone, with the weight of my regret.